Michael J Croft

Not a Police Matter: Tales of Policing in Slough Michael J Croft

I stood, providing what little light my pathetic torch could muster, and contemplated the scenario. The risk, at this stage, was nominal. PC Lathe was a grown man, in his late forties, who had enough life experience in order to be able to climb through a window and make it safely to the floor, traversing a kitchen counter on the way.

As he was a probationer, and effectively under my supervision, I had to ensure his own welfare too, which often neutralised the opportunity for doing anything vaguely dangerous in this Heath and Safety obsessed society; yet I had allowed him the privilege of this moment due to a quick and informed mental calculation, incorporating all of the relevant factors. It was, after all, a simple task. An open window. A small amount of physical effort, and minimal fuss. So, as his feet met the work surface, I was not surprised to see how easily this minor feat was being accomplished. The next stage was connecting with the floor and, after that, hopefully establishing exactly who, or what, was inside the dingy flat.

Therefore, I can state with a huge degree of certainty, that it came as something of an enormous shock to see PC Lathe suddenly sailing across the kitchen.

My heart, missing several beats at once, seemed to slow time down to an almost frame-by-frame viewpoint of the remarkable spectacle before me.

How a man - stocky, compact and otherwise in full control of his gravitational circumstances - could find himself propelled dangerously through the atmosphere, in a frankly repulsive environment, wearing a shirt and tie, was beyond my comprehension. This could only happen in the British police service.

Not a Police Matter: Tales of Policing in Slough takes a look at the darkly humorous side of policing the mean streets of Britain. If you think COVID is serious, a Violent Domestic-Related Theft Of Beard Trimmer will change your mind about that ...