Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary Ambrose Bierce

The wonderful classic dictionary with the definitions you know are true. For example:

ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.

CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.

CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because no-body tries to please him.

EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

RESIDENT, adj. Unable to leave.

You'll be unable to stop laughing, or nodding in agreement. The definitions still hold true today. You need this book on your shelf.