Petronius Jablonski

The Annals of Petronius Jablonski

Jablonski revolutionizes Western thought via tangents and asides during the greatest road trip since Homer, unveiling the paradigm-shattering contributions of Petronius' Shovel(c), Petronius' Blender(c), Schadenfreude Before-the-Fact(c), Quietude(c), and Petronius' Garage(c). They take their rightful place in the pantheon above Occam's dull Razor, Plato's much-ballyhooed Cave, Aristotle's overrated Golden Mean, and Russel's leaky Teapot. (Also includes a blistering critique of the Phoenix legend). When his classic Pontiac is abducted by a deity who lives in the depths of Lake Michigan, Petronius Jablonski is offered Enlightenment in compensation. To obtain it he must decipher the coded features of an odyssey. He neglects to share these minor details with his longsuffering girlfriend, Sandy, who accompanies him. Home-schooled by an eccentric father, Petronius holds the modern world in contempt, the demise of polytheism and eighteenth century English in general, the plague of democracy and internets in particular. Despairing of his ability to understand the journey and rarely paying attention, he engages the Reader's assistance. His propensity for digressions complicates the search for a solution while making a mockery of first person narration. He anticipates absurd questions and adds chapters in response, he accuses the Reader of being smitten with Sandy and makes her less attractive, and he revolutionizes Philosophy with his own Rube Goldberg contraptions. As he subjects the Reader to increasingly demanding prerequisites it becomes clear he is wandering the remorseless hinterland between genius and madness, which raises questions about the accuracy of his chronicle. Sandy's terrified warning that he's behaving like his tragic father elicits rage: "What Cato did, and Addison approved, cannot be wrong." But is Petronius a victim of ancestral fate or wisdom? What if Truth is poison? Perhaps a 1969 Bonneville is more precious than enlightenment.