Lenita J Onen

In Search of Love & the Meaning of Life Lenita J Onen

As a child, I was taunted and teased incessantly. The taunting went on all the way from grade four through seven. In adulthood, I was still feeling and dealing with the emotional effects of being teased and ridiculed mercilessly in grade school. Seventh grade was the worse because that was when the teasing intensified both at home and school and my suicidal thoughts really kicked in. I still couldn't think about those years without getting emotional, it left me even at an adult age, with suicidal thoughts, depression, and doubt of self-worth. The taunting made me feel like I was nothing; I had extremely bad self-esteem and virtually no self-confidence causing a vulnerability in many situations. At work, I found it difficult to freely socialize choosing to be reclusive instead. The first year of work found me with little self-confidence, little self-esteem, few friends, depression, and social anxiety among other things. In the back of my mind, I often thought I might have turned out differently if I was not a victim of bullying or if I had enough confidence to stand up for myself like my brother Otto did. As a result, I found it hard to trust anyone, I didn't like to argue, I did not speak much, and I kept my opinions mostly to myself. In a group setting, I got noticeably nervous, hated being around lots of people, afraid of saying something people might misconstrue and turn against me. I was afraid of getting in a fight, still afraid mostly of authority figures, afraid of making them angry and being harmed by them. I still get unreasonably angry at the thought of some of the people I used to know. The thoughts of payback would cross my mind now and then. On the other hand, the experience of having been verbally abused, teased, bullied, humiliated, victimized by school principals and in a way by my own mom, contributed to my anger and to the person I eventually became.